Tag Archives: Life

Grey Morning in a New Reality

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Outside the window, grey clouds fill the sky and raindrops stream through the air.  A warm morning for an early December day, the weather being more likely for mid-November.  The rain does not bother me as I am sitting in a GO train headed to downtown Toronto, and getting ready for the start of a new day.

Since I started working at Indusblue as an Android developer, my mornings involve a morning train commute to Toronto.  While taking the train and streetcar to work extends my commuting time, I can not complain.  I get about two hours each day of time for myself, to get work done.  Amongst other things, I use this time to write or catch up on past work.  Today I decided that instead of sleeping on may to work, I would update this blog.

After a summer of travelling to and from San Francisco and spending a good portion of my Fall travelling in central Europe: Poland, Germany, Austria and Italy; I finally am settling down at the end of the year.  While I love travelling and visiting new places, I am glad that I have returned to Toronto.  I am glad to be close to most of my friends, family and familiar settings.

Since my return, I have concentrated on catching up on overdue work.  So many tasks and delayed projects have piled up, that I feel the need to make progress on them or even finish them before the end of the year.  Amongst other things I started writing two pieces: a science fiction novel and an auto-biography of sorts.  Also I started working on justcheckers again, which I plan to complete as part of my portfolio work.  And I am working on a few other missing or lacking parts of life, that I can not comment on right now.  However I am overjoyed with the progress I have made, and the opportunities that linger on the horizon.

So while the mornings are grey and rainy and sometimes quite cold, I am grateful for the new reality of life I am in now.  It might rain outside, but I feel as if it were sunny.

Comments Off As Life Picks Up

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Life, nature or  the universe has a perverse sense of humour.  The next day after I posted my last blog post, optimistic of the future and looking forward to approaching life in a slower pace… well everything happens at once.  And it seems like someone decided to fall asleep on the ‘drama’ button in my life.  So now things are exciting, moving quickly and require immediate and decisive action.  I am not amused, by this turn of events.

Since this seems like a prevailing theme and trend recently, I’ve had to make decisions to simplify my life.  I have to minimize the distractions and maximize the impact my action have on my surroundings.  If that does not happen, I will simply get swept away and get carried off by the next big wave.

Today I realized I need to take my tasks and projects head on.  That means do the most relevant, NOW.  It also means putting up a single list of to-dos and sticking to them.  And I have to simplify life and remove distractions.  One such distraction is maintaining my blog.  I love blog, I love writing and publish my thoughts.  But I do not like having to administer it.  Hence I migrated to WordPress a long time ago.

 

And also why I am turning off comments on my articles.  I am sorry to my readers, but the majority of you don’t comment on my blogs.  I don’t mind that.  Most of my articles and journals are not something one can or need to comment on.  And the majority of comments that get queued up are spam.  Even with Akismet running in the background, I get too much crap.  These days I have precious little time to blog or do anything outside of the urgent.  And I definitely do not have time to read 200+ comments all trying to commit various forms of link spam.  I want to use my precious time for blogging and updating my sites.  So no more open comments on my blog.  Some articles I will open for comments, but most will not.  Sorry but it is just something I need to do.

No Need to Complain

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This post is dedicated to my good friend Rudy.

As I drove back from work on Monday with Rudy, I drove poor Rudy crazy with my complaints about work. Sure there are less than ideal situations that I have to deal with everyday. But I’m sure that everyone else who works, also comes up against the same. True, I was and still am recovering from a nasty cold. And I tend to be crankier in such situations. Still there really was no need to complain. And Rudy sensing a good opportunity to jump, cut me short in his trademark style.

Dorian, remember how we talked about you complaining too much?

Yes?

You’re complaining too much.

And he was right. I do complain too much. Yes, I do have tight deadlines at work. Yes, Life hasn’t exactly played out according to my plans. Yes, everyday seems to pile on more workand things to do, on top of the existing staggering pile. Yes, I sometimes wonder if I’m not behind my peers on the important things in life. Still I complain too much. And I’m good at it too. But I shouldn’t…

When I look at the things I am complain about, they really are good things in my life too. All that work at work, means that I am needed to build these apps and solutions for both my firm and our clients. At home, all my tasks and projects mean that I have a full, abundant, un-boring life. Could life be a bit more relaxed? Of course it could! But it is nothing to complain about. It could be worse.

I could be living without all my comforts. I could be without the work and getting paid regularly. I could be without some many things, like so many other people in the world are without. And yet I am fortunate to have all that. Even if it brings the occasional headache.

And I’m fortunate to have friends like Rudy, who remind me to be thankful with what I have. Thanks!

Messy

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I missed an update yesterday, but I won’t fudge it today and backdate this post. Things are a bit messy at the moment and behind schedule unfortunately.  I’m trying to fix this, but I’m not sure when everything will get back on-track.

So until that time, I’m going to keep the posts shorts and not necessarily daily.

As the Year Wraps Up

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Less than 37 days or so remain in this year, and so I almost want to look back at this year in nostalgia.  A lot of personal growth happened, even if my plans only now are starting to get realized.  I discovered the fullness of what it means to be human: love, life, hate, death, joy, sorrow.  A million different feelings and it has been quite a ride.  I feel  better equipped to handle whatever the future brings.   And I want to thank all those who I met, got to know and taught me many life lessons.  Some were joyful, others painful.  Still I can not say I am not thankful.  In retrospect, I would of done things differently.  But I would not trade those memories and lessons, for anything.

Life happens.  Life is messy.  Thats the beauty of it.

As for my projects, and my obsession with completing them…  Well I am at a stage that I wished I was at back in February.  So I feel a little anxious of how long things take.  But I’m hoping that I can wrap up this year in this month and in a bit, with some tangible achievements.

Anyways… back to work… there is so much yet to be done.

Realizations

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This past week gave me much to think about, and the long periods of silence that helps guide such thinking.  Amongst the many thoughts, worries, concerns and hopes, the hardest realization is facing reality for what it is.  Regardless of what people tell you, reality does exist.  And its existence is independent of your own.  Reality cares very little about your existence and cares even less about how your feelings toward it.  Accepting reality for what it is, is paramount… no matter how difficult or painful it maybe.  Such is the curse and blessing of realism.

I won’t lie.  Accepting one’s place in time and space is not always pleasant.  I’m at the same time content and discontent with where I am.  But now that I’ve accepted, it is only a question of what is the best thing to do with what one has.  Note the emphasis on has and not had or can potentially have.  I’m still searching for the answers to my questions.

Back in Toronto, Back to Blogging

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Yesterday I landed in Toronto.  I’m home again.  Back to the normal and ordinary.  But even as the airplane hit the tarmack, I knew things will never be quite the same.  The things I experienced, saw, heard and understood during my short stay in Europe, has changed my perspective, attitude and expectations.   I won’t go into the details, because there are far too many.  And far too many of them are deeply personal.  But I’m glad that I went there, and I gained a lot.  I’m still processing and digesting everything still.

With that said, I will return to my daily blogging schedule.  I hope that no new tragedy, will force me to change my daily routine.  Because there is comfort in a routine, no matter how mundane and un-extraordinary it may be.  However I realize now more than ever, I have to move forward on my personal goals.  I feel a bit behind in some areas of my life.  I have a huge amount of work to do.  And at the moment, there is a lot of catching up I need to do.  Life will continue its intense pace for next little while.  This year shows no signs of slowing down, but rather accelerating.  It feels exhilarating and downright frightening.

I’m still mentally organizing my thoughts and goals.  However a few things have come to the forefront.  I need to learn some more French, German, Italian and Polish.  I need to brush up and learn those languages, since they will come in very handy when I try to stay in touch with my friends and family in Europe.  Also I need to learn to drive.  I must follow through on my professional and artistic goals.  A number of my friends are expecting and excited to see the results of my efforts.  I also need to learn to deal with difficult and tricky situations in a more professional, efficient, pragmatic, diplomatic and proper manner.  And then there are all things, minutae and nice-to-haves…  Thinking about all of this is tiring me out.  So I’ll stop with it here.

I’m also planning to return to Europe, most likely sometime this year.  And this may be sooner than later.  So more planning, thinking, et cetera.

Anyways, I’m back!  Did you miss me?

Parting with the Somber

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I changed the theme for the blog again.  Back to the nice calm, natural feel that I so very much enjoy.  Also I am parting from the somber mood.  Maybe this is a bit premature.  Maybe not.  But I can’t help it… I want to bounce back to my cheery, crazy self again.  Maybe I should be less moody.  Or maybe I should just accept my nature for what it is.

Anyways, just a few more days before I go back to my normal routines.  Back to my life in Toronto, my friends there, and the monotony.  Boring can be fun too… so long as it is not overdone.  I’ll miss my friends and family here too.  But I’ll be back sometime in the future.  For some reason I always gravitate back here again.  This trip taught me a lot about myself, my place and everything in general.  As with any search for knowledge, it creates more questions and concerns than before.  But knowledge gives serenity, as it explains the uncertain and pushes back the unknowable a bit more.

I’ve done some writing.  I hope to have more to share in the future.  But if I want to keep this post short and not rambling.  Then I really, really should, just stop right here.

Just Another Sunny Day

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I look outside from my 6th floor office window.  Out there I can see a sunny blue sky, blocky office buildings and grey-white jetliners landing at the nearby airport.  I can almost feel the warmth outside.  I remember the warmth, that I felt while sitting with coworkers outside all of us enjoying a delicious, spicy Arabic lunch.  Delicious.  And totally inappropriate for me, since I try to avoid eating meat on Fridays.  I know that this usually applies to Lent only.  But I’m a traditionalist, and I do these odd little things to remember.  In the case of Fridays I try to remember the sacrifices of God undertook one Good Friday for humanity.

I also like to not eat too much.  The feeling of hunger makes eating so much more pleasurable.  But it also reminds to think about those less fortunate.  Not everyone can go and buy food when they feel hungry.  Not everyone has the option of not going through the day on an empty belly.  There is much to be thankful for.  I wish I could remember all the other things I could be thankful for.

At work I have gained an unfortunate reputation of being contrairian.  I mean yes, there are ways I would do things that would make my life easier, simpler and more productive.  But I guess I complained once too often.  I should of been more thankful that I work where I work.  I work with wonderful people.  I work in the profession I want to work in.  Fear of losing my job tomorrow is less likely than in other companies.  I am grateful.  I just complain of the things that cause stress for me.  I try not to point out all the things that are wrong.  But I must start sounding more positive.  I really should.  I just hate it when I feel stressed.  Stress does not bring out the best in me unlike with some people.  And I absolutely hate it when stress comes in from up and above my control.

I am happy that my friend Marika hopefully will start upon her dream job of working as a freelancer.  She works hard, and does a great job as both a writer and an editor.  I know, I went to class with her.  I read her articles, she read mine.  I learned from her, and her work inspired me to push myself.  I feel a tinge of jealousy though.  Freelancing sounds like a great gig.  A lot of freedom comes with the territory.  I sometimes wish I could go upon such a path.  Maybe one day I will.

A little while later…

It is becoming a rainy day.  Oh well…  Fun going back home.  Interesting little thought, everyday I try working on my wish list.   Sometimes I feel like I managed to go work toward obtaining my wishes.  Sometimes I can’t be too sure.  This back and forth nature is something I have yet to come in terms with.  Still I want to write.  Still I want to learn to code Qt apps.  Still I want to live like an ordinary Canadian adult (I’m not sure what ordinary means… I guess that is a debateable definition).  Still I want my projects to succeed.  I wonder if I’ll be able to achieve all this stuff.  Or is this even up to me?

Bruised and Sore

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Uff! I’m bruised and tired from yesterday’s taekwondo session. The warmup consisted of a lot of running, jumping jacks, pushups, sit ups, and leg raisers. At the end I wanted to pass out from panting exhaustion on the floor. A great workout, followed by practice on kicking and hand motions. There is so much for me to perfect, but I think I’m making good progress. Still I’m months away from a black belt. Give a year or so. :)

This morning however I could not be bothered to get up. Or rather got up stiffer than a stiff. And sore, and parts of my anatomy (limbs I mean, I don’t know what you are thinking about) aren’t fully cooperative.  Movement in general today feels constrained and straining. I’m sure it will wear off by the time I go for the next session.

Fortunately, muscular bruising hasn’t adversly affected my thinking. The story and ideas for the novel are rapidly taking shape. And I’m enjoying writing it, since I have not thought out the entire story in such detail that it bores me. Instead every paragraph explorers a new thought and dream. I’m not sure how it will turn out and that is what makes it exciting. Also I started reading up on Qt development. I must say that the more I read about Qt and C++, the more I like those two technologies. I’m already looking forward to coding up my first C++ applications in the near future. Should be quite exciting. And finally a word about my secret project… I’ve done a fair bit of work on it, and I’m just dying to write about it. This project challenges me in everyway that I want to grow professionally and artistically. However I can’t openly talk about it… or maybe I could. We’ll see I guess once I have something concrete to show for my pains.

All in all I am bruised and sore.  But I’m excited with the prospects that appear before me. Little bits of sustained effort are paying off.