As the Year Wraps Up
Less than 37 days or so remain in this year, and so I almost want to look back at this year in nostalgia. A lot of personal growth happened, even if my plans only now are starting to get realized. I discovered the fullness of what it means to be human: love, life, hate, death, joy, sorrow. A million different feelings and it has been quite a ride. I feel better equipped to handle whatever the future brings. And I want to thank all those who I met, got to know and taught me many life lessons. Some were joyful, others painful. Still I can not say I am not thankful. In retrospect, I would of done things differently. But I would not trade those memories and lessons, for anything.
Life happens. Life is messy. Thats the beauty of it.
As for my projects, and my obsession with completing them… Well I am at a stage that I wished I was at back in February. So I feel a little anxious of how long things take. But I’m hoping that I can wrap up this year in this month and in a bit, with some tangible achievements.
Anyways… back to work… there is so much yet to be done.
Realizations
This past week gave me much to think about, and the long periods of silence that helps guide such thinking. Amongst the many thoughts, worries, concerns and hopes, the hardest realization is facing reality for what it is. Regardless of what people tell you, reality does exist. And its existence is independent of your own. Reality cares very little about your existence and cares even less about how your feelings toward it. Accepting reality for what it is, is paramount… no matter how difficult or painful it maybe. Such is the curse and blessing of realism.
I won’t lie. Accepting one’s place in time and space is not always pleasant. I’m at the same time content and discontent with where I am. But now that I’ve accepted, it is only a question of what is the best thing to do with what one has. Note the emphasis on has and not had or can potentially have. I’m still searching for the answers to my questions.
Back in Toronto, Back to Blogging
Yesterday I landed in Toronto. I’m home again. Back to the normal and ordinary. But even as the airplane hit the tarmack, I knew things will never be quite the same. The things I experienced, saw, heard and understood during my short stay in Europe, has changed my perspective, attitude and expectations. I won’t go into the details, because there are far too many. And far too many of them are deeply personal. But I’m glad that I went there, and I gained a lot. I’m still processing and digesting everything still.
With that said, I will return to my daily blogging schedule. I hope that no new tragedy, will force me to change my daily routine. Because there is comfort in a routine, no matter how mundane and un-extraordinary it may be. However I realize now more than ever, I have to move forward on my personal goals. I feel a bit behind in some areas of my life. I have a huge amount of work to do. And at the moment, there is a lot of catching up I need to do. Life will continue its intense pace for next little while. This year shows no signs of slowing down, but rather accelerating. It feels exhilarating and downright frightening.
I’m still mentally organizing my thoughts and goals. However a few things have come to the forefront. I need to learn some more French, German, Italian and Polish. I need to brush up and learn those languages, since they will come in very handy when I try to stay in touch with my friends and family in Europe. Also I need to learn to drive. I must follow through on my professional and artistic goals. A number of my friends are expecting and excited to see the results of my efforts. I also need to learn to deal with difficult and tricky situations in a more professional, efficient, pragmatic, diplomatic and proper manner. And then there are all things, minutae and nice-to-haves… Thinking about all of this is tiring me out. So I’ll stop with it here.
I’m also planning to return to Europe, most likely sometime this year. And this may be sooner than later. So more planning, thinking, et cetera.
Anyways, I’m back! Did you miss me?
Parting with the Somber
I changed the theme for the blog again. Back to the nice calm, natural feel that I so very much enjoy. Also I am parting from the somber mood. Maybe this is a bit premature. Maybe not. But I can’t help it… I want to bounce back to my cheery, crazy self again. Maybe I should be less moody. Or maybe I should just accept my nature for what it is.
Anyways, just a few more days before I go back to my normal routines. Back to my life in Toronto, my friends there, and the monotony. Boring can be fun too… so long as it is not overdone. I’ll miss my friends and family here too. But I’ll be back sometime in the future. For some reason I always gravitate back here again. This trip taught me a lot about myself, my place and everything in general. As with any search for knowledge, it creates more questions and concerns than before. But knowledge gives serenity, as it explains the uncertain and pushes back the unknowable a bit more.
I’ve done some writing. I hope to have more to share in the future. But if I want to keep this post short and not rambling. Then I really, really should, just stop right here.
Just Another Sunny Day
I look outside from my 6th floor office window. Out there I can see a sunny blue sky, blocky office buildings and grey-white jetliners landing at the nearby airport. I can almost feel the warmth outside. I remember the warmth, that I felt while sitting with coworkers outside all of us enjoying a delicious, spicy Arabic lunch. Delicious. And totally inappropriate for me, since I try to avoid eating meat on Fridays. I know that this usually applies to Lent only. But I’m a traditionalist, and I do these odd little things to remember. In the case of Fridays I try to remember the sacrifices of God undertook one Good Friday for humanity.
I also like to not eat too much. The feeling of hunger makes eating so much more pleasurable. But it also reminds to think about those less fortunate. Not everyone can go and buy food when they feel hungry. Not everyone has the option of not going through the day on an empty belly. There is much to be thankful for. I wish I could remember all the other things I could be thankful for.
At work I have gained an unfortunate reputation of being contrairian. I mean yes, there are ways I would do things that would make my life easier, simpler and more productive. But I guess I complained once too often. I should of been more thankful that I work where I work. I work with wonderful people. I work in the profession I want to work in. Fear of losing my job tomorrow is less likely than in other companies. I am grateful. I just complain of the things that cause stress for me. I try not to point out all the things that are wrong. But I must start sounding more positive. I really should. I just hate it when I feel stressed. Stress does not bring out the best in me unlike with some people. And I absolutely hate it when stress comes in from up and above my control.
I am happy that my friend Marika hopefully will start upon her dream job of working as a freelancer. She works hard, and does a great job as both a writer and an editor. I know, I went to class with her. I read her articles, she read mine. I learned from her, and her work inspired me to push myself. I feel a tinge of jealousy though. Freelancing sounds like a great gig. A lot of freedom comes with the territory. I sometimes wish I could go upon such a path. Maybe one day I will.
A little while later…
It is becoming a rainy day. Oh well… Fun going back home. Interesting little thought, everyday I try working on my wish list. Sometimes I feel like I managed to go work toward obtaining my wishes. Sometimes I can’t be too sure. This back and forth nature is something I have yet to come in terms with. Still I want to write. Still I want to learn to code Qt apps. Still I want to live like an ordinary Canadian adult (I’m not sure what ordinary means… I guess that is a debateable definition). Still I want my projects to succeed. I wonder if I’ll be able to achieve all this stuff. Or is this even up to me?
Bruised and Sore
Uff! I’m bruised and tired from yesterday’s taekwondo session. The warmup consisted of a lot of running, jumping jacks, pushups, sit ups, and leg raisers. At the end I wanted to pass out from panting exhaustion on the floor. A great workout, followed by practice on kicking and hand motions. There is so much for me to perfect, but I think I’m making good progress. Still I’m months away from a black belt. Give a year or so. 
This morning however I could not be bothered to get up. Or rather got up stiffer than a stiff. And sore, and parts of my anatomy (limbs I mean, I don’t know what you are thinking about) aren’t fully cooperative. Movement in general today feels constrained and straining. I’m sure it will wear off by the time I go for the next session.
Fortunately, muscular bruising hasn’t adversly affected my thinking. The story and ideas for the novel are rapidly taking shape. And I’m enjoying writing it, since I have not thought out the entire story in such detail that it bores me. Instead every paragraph explorers a new thought and dream. I’m not sure how it will turn out and that is what makes it exciting. Also I started reading up on Qt development. I must say that the more I read about Qt and C++, the more I like those two technologies. I’m already looking forward to coding up my first C++ applications in the near future. Should be quite exciting. And finally a word about my secret project… I’ve done a fair bit of work on it, and I’m just dying to write about it. This project challenges me in everyway that I want to grow professionally and artistically. However I can’t openly talk about it… or maybe I could. We’ll see I guess once I have something concrete to show for my pains.
All in all I am bruised and sore. But I’m excited with the prospects that appear before me. Little bits of sustained effort are paying off.
Coping with Disappointment
Disappointments turn up everyday. Sometimes it can be personal like a lost love, a deathly sick relative, a bad business decision or any kind of personal loss. If you run out personal worries, the newspaper will happily provide more: war, crime, job losses, a bad economy, overzealous governments, et cetera ad nauseum. At times it can seem overwhelming.
Disappointments and worries form a good chunk of our days. And yet life goes on. We can not just give up, curl up in a ball and beg for sweet, sweet death. How else could improve our lot in life, ourselves and care for our loved ones? We simply must cope.
I do not claim to be any kind of expert in dealing with these issues. I recommend reading Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, as a good starting point. I can just say what works for me.
Writing works wonders in terms of self-therapy and self-discovery. Guy Allen, my writing professor recommended writing 20 minutes of just sheer writing about everything and nothing. It gets things off your chest. Dale Carnegie also recommends prayer or meditation. This lets you reflect and in the case of prayer ask for help in coping. Finally work and exercise. Work to keep your mind off things, and to help to see yourself as a productive person. Ever wonder why I talk about work and hobbies so often? And exercise keeps you fit, healthy and again lets you live in the moment. Embracing the moment and savouring it, helps one lead a full, happy and prosperous life.
Good Friday
Today is Good Friday. So while a statuary holiday in Canada, I’m not on holiday today. Rather I have much to do, so I’ll keep this post short.
I wish everyone a great Good Friday and a happy Easter. A reminder that God loved you so much He sent His only Son to die (in a particularly painful way too) and to rise again. All this so that we could be saved. I’m so glad He did so for all of us.
And if you don’t believe that, I wish a relaxing long weekend. I’ll try to relax after I finish my long list of things to do now. Maybe I’ll treat everyone with some of my writing, if I have the time.
Also happy birthday to you S. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Drained
I just read Marika’s blog on hunger. And I felt compelled to blog something in return. But today I draw a blank. Yesterday drained the life and will out of me. Not complaining, since it was all my invention and doing. Still the fact remains, I feel drained and without will. And life feels greyer than it did before.
Today will be another cold snowy day. Spring came by smiled and then winter came back with a vengence. My limbs are still cold from standing outside for the bus. I can now appreciate those early morning commutes, in a warm car. Yes I got into the office really early. But I miss the car now, and I didn’t appreciate it when it is no longer there.
Funny how people (at least I think) don’t notice those good things and good people, until you sense their absence. We miss the light when it is dark. The warm when it is cold. Food when hunger strikes. A comforting voice when there is none. Yet when all is well, one can take things for granted. Obviously not all people think like that, some are enlightened enough to know and not have to experience.
I should get back to bed and pretend to sleep. After my pretend sleep, I will pretend to get up and live as a normal person. You know the routine, get up, eat breakfast, wash up, dress, commute to work, work, return home, rest or work at home, sleep. I’ll pretend to smile and be happy. For the sake of the illusion of normality. No one really like things out of the ordinary. No wants to deal with the uncomfortable and inconvenient. So one pretends it is not there. If you are talented, you can pretend that you are alive and awake. But you are just sleepwalking.
Today is an exercise in futility. Just another sleepwalking existence, followed by bouts of regret and insomnia.
[This post is modern art in writing form. It was not supposed to make sense.]
Shifting Sands and Schedules
I’m blogging this entry fairly late in the day today. I will enjoy sleeping longer and missing being in the office before the sunrises. At least I will enjoy these guilty pleasures for the next couple of weeks. Hence my blogging schedule will be thrown out of whack. But I don’t mind the extra sleep. I am definitely less cranky and more productive.
I should pick a better time to write this. But I need a creative outlet. Fighting with Perl and web applications, and reading reams of documentation can wear a person out. I look forward to taking a change from Java. But Perl is not a pretty language. You can easily write code that you can’t maintain. At least not easily. The same could be said about Python, C or C++. Still Perl can easily win a code obfuscation contest. And my Perl skills need work. Still I welcome to the shift from Java and JSP to mixture of Perl and my firm’s in-house RAD tools. Even if it means wading through tons and tons of documentation.
Another shift is writing I guess. I’m doing more of it, and enjoying it. The effort of writing novel still drags on. I blame my compulsive reading of RSS feeds, and magazines. Still I like to stay in touch with the parts of the tech world that I enjoy and see future promise. Also other tasks hang over my head, so it can be difficult to concentrate at times. Writing and coding projects seem to move at a glacial pace nowadays. Still they move forward. I need to shift in Qt, C++ and Python coding again.
Lastly I have a trip to plan and random life tasks to do. I’m excited about the results obviously. But such tasks often involve decisions that take time and some can be life-altering. I’d prefer that the tasks would do themselves. But unfortunately my not doing them, is just procrastination. That is what I’m doing right now, procrastination by writing. I should get back to work now.
