This has been quite a busy week in hindsight. I managed to build up my portfolio and work on my professional image. I managed to restart my coding and writing projects. And I’ve finished up on my correspondences. I look back and I’m quite proud of my achievements. I just wish I could move such mountains on a regular basis.
Hmm… unfortunately it seems I can no longer achieve much when pulling an all-nighter, as I did in university. In fact, I feel I maybe less productive due to the sleepiness that comes with sleep deprivation. (Talk about pointing out the obvious.) Anyways this week, I’m trying to catch up on work at home, while learning about Spring MVC at work and trying to push forward my projects. So far, the effort hasn’t really produced much in terms of progress on my projects. But I’ll see if I slide them during the day. Anyways, I’ll keep the post for today short and sweet. I have a lot of writing to do, and I need to plan and execute a technical demo for a prospective client. Hopefully today, I can push at least a few things forward.
Things are going fairly smoothly for the trip. Not yet at the point at where I can say I’m packed and ready. And there remains a good chunk of work to do. However plans are proceeding forward.
While I look forward to my trip, lately I’ve felt like my self-esteem has taken quite a beating. I don’t know if this signals a slow but steady burnout. Or rather realization and acceptance of my current position and circumstances in life. I’m a bit disappointed. I still feel I’m far from where I want to be in the near future. And reality seems to close more doors than open them. If some potential opportunity opens, it feels more like a tease than an opportunity. Realistically, I feel I’ve exhausted all the straightforward options without compromising or risking my future on some future high-risk scheme. This realization is quite unnerving. I’m not sure what else I can do, aside from doing what I already am. I’ve never enjoyed the prospect of casting the dice and hoping for the best. This is fine in a game. In life not so much, since for action there are far reaching consequences. In life, a sane logical strategy needs to be in place. Still I can’t see how I can achieve my end-goals, circumstances being as they are. I find solace in my writing, and little else.
I’m still going to blog on highly irregular basis, definitely until after my trip. Or most likely after I finish writing the rough draft of the novel. My novel feels like the only meaningful contribution I can make at the moment. Everything else depends on external factors, beyond my control.
Today marks the first day of getting back to my old schedule and routine. The transition turned out smoother than I imagined. Hopefully, no new quirk will appear and I get back to working on all my overdue tasks. As things stand:
I’ll continue blogging in short irregular bursts, until my projects start moving forward under their own momentum.
I’ve found myself recently writing considerable amounts in my diary. I’ve had many a thought, that I felt compelled to write down. But such thoughts were fairly private in nature, so I will discuss or hint about them here. One of thought that I would like to share, is my temporary withdrawl from daily blogging. I’m trying to concentrate on writing my novel, A Collection of Shards. And I’m concentrating on reviving the comatose justCheckers project. Post daily updates to my blog just add more overhead to my day. And I’ve so precious little time and so many tasks to complete… So I’m going to take a break, and update this blog when I feel like it.
Today marks the first day of my 26th year of existence. So far I feel quite pleased. I have some progress in my various goals. I go out more often. I talk to more people. I have found a few girls who have taken some sort of an interest in me. Life goes on without missing a beat. In my mind, my writing is shaping up nicely. Programming is left to the side, for now. But I plan on working on that fairly soon. Getting a license and a car is within my reach. For once I can see myself living an ordinary independent adult life. For various reasons I’m doing anything crazy like moving out. Or spending vast amounts of money, or doing silly things in general. My time management, project management and organizational skills are far better than they were a year ago. And most importantly, I still see a glimmer of hope of my eeking out a prosperous existence on this rock. My situation is not the simplest or the easiest, butI still I have room for maneuvering. All in all, the day after and the coming days looking promising.
I’ll attempt at stealing Marika’s traffic again. And because my response is long enough to become a blog post:
Yes, Marika that is true. Writing is an art.
Unfortunately, in a difficult economy you need to be a generalist. I can write well too. I can code really well. But instead of concentrating on coding, I get to do a weird mix of planning, sending off communications, coding, writing documentation, system administration, et cetera. It is not fun. And while I am capable of doing all these tasks… I’d rather concentrate on what I really excel at. But…
There are programmers that can outcode, outthink and outclass me in experience. The older experienced ones especially. So I can’t compete on their level. Also I rather have “a” job than “no” job. And for most tasks in business, “good enough” bets “genuis”. For coding a website you don’t need a Linus Torvald. Nor do you need an Ernest Hemmingway for writing dry business articles about mergers and acquistions. You don’t need a van Gogh, Monet or Da Vinci to paint walls.
Why is this? Because “genius” is very, very expensive. “Good enough” means a business can keep afloat, which is what business usually do. And those profit margins for those fat cat capitalists? They are razor thin in most cases.
Reality is if you are truly great, you get that awesome great dream fulfilling job. Everyone else is on the scale of mediocre in terms of jobs. The best way for that dream job is to be so great in a particular valuable niche, that it is either you or nobody else (for that price of course). That is how the market goes. So why quantity over quality? I dunno. Maybe because markets tend toward producing commodities for the unwashed masses. The idea is to come up with a way to use resources to produce goods and services at nominal cost approaching zero. That is a good thing for everyone.
Today feels like one of those days that I’ll really have to struggle. Struggle to not fall flat on my face. I guess not sleeping much has something to do with it. But part of me just doesn’t feel right. One of those days when I’m probably going to have to work really hard, to feel comfortable in my own skin.
And to do just that, I’m going to do some bookkeeping and oodles of writing today. I hope I’ll feel better after I start transcribing some of my handwritten notes into digital form. I’ve got about two chapters to write up.
Hmm… I debated about writing while on “vacation”. But since I’ve done so much writing today, I felt it might be appropriate to update my blog.
I’m staying with family, in my city of birth. I’m here on brieviment, so not exactly a fun time. After the funeral, I might see some friends of the family. Nothing very exciting, but a rather busy time. Today is essentially the calm before the storm. No plans for visiting or sightseeing, as much as I would love to see people outside of my immediate family and friends of immediate family. Most young people are busy at work or finishing their studies for the year.
Today however, I have some time for writing. Or rather in any spare moment I find I’m either writing or reading about writing. I can’t stand idle time and it seems so appropriate to bury myself in work.
Still I love being here, unfortunate as the circumstances are. The city is dirty, grimmy and full of hazards that one doesn’t meet in a safe city like Toronto. But there is also energy and enthausism in strange places. Expectations of what is normal are radically different. And for some reason, for all the negativity and defeatism that I can feel, there is a vibrance, a feeling of confined growth.
Or maybe it is just me. Maybe it is just my romantic attachment to my place of birth. Maybe I’m just a port town boy, in love with a port city. Even if the port is no longer close to its former glory.
Another quick update on the writing. I managed to write up the second thread/part of chapter one. I am not in the mood for writing today actually. But I’m going to force myself to keep writing. Once I have the entire book on paper I can agonize over it later. Content first, editing later. Anyways I must continue.
In other news, I’m a bit tired, worn down and honestly don’t give a damn about many things. Too much crap happening in my life. Eveything feels like I am in a vicious cycle. And all my “solutions” aren’t helping more than just coping. Life goes on, progress does happen but I’m bitter. Please excuse the fatalistic drama. Life is becoming a bit of a forced march.