Category Archives: Life

Reflections and glimpses into bits of my life.

Drained

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I just read Marika’s blog on hunger.  And I felt compelled to blog something in return.  But today I draw a blank. Yesterday drained the life and will out of me.  Not complaining, since it was all my invention and doing.  Still the fact remains, I feel drained and without will.  And life feels greyer than it did before.

Today will be another cold snowy day.  Spring came by smiled and then winter came back with a vengence.  My limbs are still cold from standing outside for the bus.  I can now appreciate those early morning commutes, in a warm car.  Yes I got into the office really early.  But I miss the car now, and I didn’t appreciate it when it is no longer there.

Funny how people (at least I think) don’t notice those good things and good people, until you sense their absence.  We miss the light when it is dark.  The warm when it is cold.  Food when hunger strikes.  A comforting voice when there is none.   Yet when all is well, one can take things for granted.  Obviously not all people think like that, some are enlightened enough to know and not have to experience.

I should get back to bed and pretend to sleep.  After my pretend sleep, I will pretend to get up and live as a normal person.  You know the routine, get up, eat breakfast, wash up, dress, commute to work, work, return home, rest or work at home, sleep.  I’ll pretend to smile and be happy.  For the sake of the illusion of normality.  No one really like things out of the ordinary.  No wants to deal with the uncomfortable and inconvenient.  So one pretends it is not there.  If you are talented, you can pretend that you are alive and awake.  But you are just sleepwalking.

Today is an exercise in futility.  Just another sleepwalking existence, followed by bouts of regret and insomnia.

[This post is modern art in writing form.  It was not supposed to make sense.]

A Case of Insomnia

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I can’t sleep.  After some initial attempts to fall back asleep, including pushups… I just gave up and started surfing the web.  Updated my Facebook account and read all of my RSS feeds.  Still can not sleep, too much on my mind.  Why is trying to do the right thing so difficult?  Why is trying to live a full, happy and prosperous life so tiring and trying?  I don’t know.  If life is a garden, why are there days I feel more like a man with firebrand and a machete than a gardener?  Again, I don’t know.

I just can’t sleep.  So I am updating my blog.  Then a bit more passive surfing, and maybe some novel writing.  Once 6:25 comes around, I’ll stop pretending to sleep and I’ll get ready for work.  I should have enough time to change my look from Ugh the caveman to Dorian the professional software consultant.  Still not sure what novel I want to actually write.  But I think that instead of brooding over it, I’ll just write it and deal with this child of my mind somehow.  Or rather I know what to write, I just lost a character and the book is not perfect in my mind.  I plan to slay this worm called Perfection and just get on with the job of writing.

I finished reading Mary Beth Bonacci’s Real Love.  A fantastic read and quite an eyeopener at least for myself.  I finally know what my issues are, and what I really need.  One thing is for sure, all those other dating books (a.k.a. seduction manuals) are useless.  Attraction is subjective, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and true love comes from God.  Real love comes from respecting others and living God’s teachings in relationships.  It will be a hard and long road ahead.  But at least I have no more doubts about is the right thing to do.  I know what to do, now I just have to do it.  Self-improvement is a lifestyle, just not an easy one at that.

I’m off now to deal with a few online issues.  Then a bit of furious writing shall follow.  After that I’ll get up and pretend to live a normal life.  As I look around me, I think that everyone else seems to do.

Reflections in the Rain

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Rainy days put me in an reflective mood.  Or maybe I’m just in a reflective mood recently.  I don’t know.

It is raining outside.  Rain drops pitter and patter on the sidewalk.  On the buildings standing against the pale grey sky.  On the cars passing by.  On the people busy in their everyday lifes.  I like the rain.  Yes, days like today make me sleepy.  But the greyness brings all the colours out.  The pale grey becomes a canvas on which bright coloured things stand out, while the dark ones fade into the ether.  And every surface becomes shiny and reflective like a mirror.  People say that the rain falls down when Heaven cries.  But are they are tears of sadness or of joy?

I’m am joyful today.  I powered up my new cellphone today.  Still need to get a provider and a SIM card, but it looks like a fun toy and tool.  Today I also finished quite a few tasks.  Most of the documentation I need to read at work, I read.  Soon I will get to play around with Perl.  In fact my task involves learning object-oriented Perl.  Nice!  Also went to Prince today and had a huge meal… and sake. 😛  So I’m in a really, really good mood today.  😀  And I sort out my IT troubles with Nokia yesterday…  Today is a good day.

Now to make the day perfect, I just need to finish off some more old tasks.  And start working on my projects.  Also I need to do some trip planning!

Funny, I just read how SGI got bought out.  Funny cause I remember going to an open house at the IAOD, for a computer graphics course.  A very expensive course that required every student to buy a copy of Maya and a SGI rig.  Funny how things worked out.  I now work in an industry with a lot more stable and well-paying work than the graphics artist could ever provide.  And my sad little Intel x86 computers can replace the SGI rig.  And a copy of Blender can replace Maya.  Funny how everyone with some time and talent can now start work as a graphics artist.

Shifting Sands and Schedules

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I’m blogging this entry fairly late in the day today.  I will enjoy sleeping longer and missing being in the office before the sunrises.  At least I will enjoy these guilty pleasures for the next couple of weeks.  Hence my blogging schedule will be thrown out of whack.  But I don’t mind the extra sleep.  I am definitely less cranky and more productive.

I should pick a better time to write this.  But I need a creative outlet.  Fighting with Perl and web applications, and reading reams of documentation can wear a person out.  I look forward to taking a change from Java.  But Perl is not a pretty language.  You can easily write code that you can’t maintain.  At least not easily.  The same could be said about Python, C or C++.  Still Perl can easily win a code obfuscation contest.  And my Perl skills need work.  Still I welcome to the shift from Java and JSP to mixture of Perl and my firm’s in-house RAD tools.  Even if it means wading through tons and tons of documentation.

Another shift is writing I guess.  I’m doing more of it, and enjoying it.  The effort of writing novel still drags on.  I blame my compulsive reading of RSS feeds, and magazines.  Still I like to stay in touch with the parts of the tech world that I enjoy and see future promise.  Also other tasks hang over my head, so it can be difficult to concentrate at times.  Writing and coding projects seem to move at a glacial pace nowadays.  Still they move forward.  I need to shift in Qt, C++ and Python coding again.

Lastly I have a trip to plan and random life tasks to do.  I’m excited about the results obviously.  But such tasks often involve decisions that take time and some can be life-altering.  I’d prefer that the tasks would do themselves.  But unfortunately my not doing them, is just procrastination.  That is what I’m doing right now, procrastination by writing.  I should get back to work now.

It is On My Desk

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No, I’m not mocking Marika’s blog name.  Rather this morning I am tired and uncreative.  At this point, the creative artist starts stealing ideas from more inspired artists.

Over the course of my university career, I learned the elegant art of organization.  The results from just a little effort and some smart thinking goes a long way.  Now I feel compelled to organize, pile, list and label everything.  Not because I’m a neat person by nature.  I just found organized chaos makes one so much productive than in an disorganized chaos.  And I’d rather waste my time dragging my butt out bed in the morning at sloth’s pace than waste time looking for my keycard frantically.  Instead of asking myself, “Where did I put so-and-so.”, I’d rather tell myself, “Great!  Found that things, and did the task.  Now I can do something for myself now.”

This morning I dragged myself out of bed to the sound of a humming computer.  Yesterday evening’s upgrade of my desktop to Jaunty went smoothly.  Except for a few prompts concerning configuration files.  With tired eyes, I clicked through said files, and then went to the task of pretending to be awake.  Some idle surfing later, then I tired to find that blasted receipt so I could expense a piece of hardware.  In contrast to what I said in the above paragraph, organizing papers still eludes me.  After a bunch of looking around I still couldn’t find what I needed.  Saddened I left for work, and tired hard not to fall asleep.

Today starts the first day of a new project at work.  And I start the day extra early for personal reasons.  Should be a fun new project.  But as I look what is on my desk, somethings impress me and others distress me.  The lack of the receipt spoils my attempt of filing my expenses yet again.  The lack of my laptop’s mouse, means a forced existance with only the touchpad/trackpoint.  The lack of coffee in my cup is of minor temporal concern.  I just need to stumble toward the coffee machine down the err… hall or aisle or office space.  I’ll figure out what to name I should call it when I wake up.

Presence and lack of certain items on my desk, help or hinder my efforts today.  The standard pen, notebook, laptop, headphones and USB pen drive means I can be productive to today.  I really miss my mice though.  The IBM branded water bottle is a nice touch.  The bastards never gave me a job, not being an intern and all.  But I like the bottle and soft briefcase I got from them.  The soft briefcase on my desk I could do without.  Paperwork, bills, papers and sad dysfunctional Internet Tablet all hide there.  They will demand I turn my attention at them.  The briefcase is there so that I can’t just wave away the work.  The chocolate bar wrapper sat on my desk until I noticed.  Nice chocolate waffer… not so great substitute for breakfast.  But breakfast I plan to grab from the sandwich bar downstairs once they open in a bit from now.

A welcome change to the items on my desk is the change of books.  Yesterday I finally finished Joseph Tissot’s How to Profit from Your Faults.  A fine read, but a hard read with so much quotes of saints and biblical references.  The books discussed how to deal with sins and all that inconvenient stuff a modern technocrat living in a postmodern positivist-relativist world, sometimes wishes he could wave away.  But alas the soul remains and the fallen nature of humanity is what it is.  Might as well find a way to make oneself better, even by exploiting ones faults.  Today instead I have Mary Beth Bonacci’s Real Love book.  A lighter read about dating, marriage, sexuality and all that jazz from a Catholic perspective.  Normally I don’t mention what I read, due to the obvious personal nature of things.  But today I don’t really care what anyone thinks.  And if I can piss off a positivist-relativist by showing that a logical thinking technocrat feels the need to read “God nonesense” and to delve into “antequated” religious thought, then that will make my day.  Rubbing salt into the wound I’m an anarcho-capitalist.  And I’m building your future world.  Enjoy!  Hopefully I managed to offend someone and ruin their day… just to meet my quota of negative karma feedback. 😛

Also I write this stuff, since I know part of my audience is of a traditional Catholic leaning.  And I just want to throw at least some token support and love your way.  God bless.  As for my open minded, non-discriminating friends, you understand the importance of transparency and free thought.  So I’m sure you don’t mind my occasional religious rants.

Another sort of welcome addition to the desk is the cellphone.  Yes another Nokia device, and not your standard phone.  Before I open up the box and set it up, I’m going to deal with Nokia’s tech support team again.  And Nokia tech folks, you are all wonderful people working for a very forward thinking and innovative company.  Having to send my Canadian bought IT to a repair place in the US via an American address IS NOT very forward thinking or smart.  Since the cellphone seems to have Asian roots, I’d rather not have to send it to Taiwan to get it repaired.  Unless of course you guys want to pay for the shipping, in which case I have no qualms.

Anyways enough of my rant today.  I need to get a coffee, reboot and get some work done for my dear, generous ex-client before I get to work on my new project.  Take care everyone.  I hope I haven’t offended to many of you.  Or my rant was not too long…  Have a happy April Fool’s day.  Avoid becoming a fool today.  Just adding some more words to get the word count to over a 1000 words (1006).  And I’m off.

Grey Clouds, Sunny Outlook

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I get into the office really early in the morning. These past fews I normally got greeted with a dark sky and street lights. Each day the sunrise earlier. But each day the sun would rise, brilliant lines of yellow, orange, red and pink would form across the skyline. In the distance the CN tower, banking towers and skyscraper condominiums would cut dark silhouettes into the brilliant sunrise.

Today I see the dark grey dramatic underbelly of clouds stretching across the sky. The morning greyness feels even greyier under this ceiling of cloud.

Today I am in a cheerful mood. Two more days until my work project changes. A few more tasks and I’ll be able to write my novel without interruption. I also finished reading the book I wanted to finish before the end of Lent. Kubuntu Linux has infested my work laptop. The new upcoming release of Jaunty (9.04) feels and looks amazing. Everything works out of the box, even the webcam and the Bluetooth mouse. Finally I’ll be able to catch up on correspondences. And start working on learning Qt and maybe a natural language (French or Italian?).

Why I Like Free Software and Freedom

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Adding freedom to software is a great business tactic.  It gives back control to the customer, who now becomes not just another faceless entity to pilfer.  Now the customer becomes a client, a person with real goals, ambitions and needs.  And libre software/open source is a guarantee to serve those needs.  But it need not end with software…

The concept of freedom built-in can take things to new heights.  As with Flat World Knowledge.  They make open/free textbooks for colleges.  It is about creating better products, cheaper, available to more people and using less resources.  The brilliance of commoditization, and giving a free hand to your customer.  And ultimately empowering people and improving the lot of the human race.

It is this idea of freedom and empowerment, that keeps me totting the freedom flag and contributing to the libre software.

Echo 14: Something

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Lets try something new.  I’ll comment on Marika’s blog posts with another blog post.  This will make it easier to respond, generate a larger audience and increase posts per day.  Yes, I’m pigbacking on somebody else’s work. 🙂  So without further ado, I present a new sporadic feature:  Echoes to Ramblings.

In response to Ramblings 14: Something.

Movement encourages thought in people. Certain children with disabilities need to move to be able to think. Most likely something to do with sensory-muscle feedback allowing for mental procedures to flow.

If by meditation, you mean clearing your head of thoughts and concentrating on your own body’s functional thoughts.  Yes.  I don’t subscribe to the Buddhist meditation of trying to join the void.  I don’t believe in a void or a collective soul.  Also unstructured meditation is actually dangerous.  A Buddhist friend told me how a close friend of his mediated without the supervision of a priest, and was quite violently attacked by something.  Most likely a malicious spirit (read as: demon) according to him.  I prefer prayer with intentions for that reason.  Prayer in solitude achieves a similar role to meditation, plus it gives a silent outlet for ideas, wishes and concerns.  Whether there is a God and whether He listens on the other side, is a question I leave for philosophers and theologians to ponder.  I believe He exists and He listens to the cries of His adopted children.

Stillness is indeed incredibly difficult.  Stillness being the absence of the chaotic motions and thoughts, is difficult in a universe whose physical attributes can be described in terms of the motion of matter and the transfer of energy.  Silence, lack of distractions is needed and concentrated effort to push away and ignore distractions.  The best time is when there are fewer people.  That is why I love mornings.  Few distractions, stillness and silence are assured.  I get to reflect in the mornings.  Plus you get to see the spectacular sights of light interacting with shadow as the sun comes up.

An Encore

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I didn’t update my blog yesterday.  Life turned out busier than I could imagine.  I am still catching up on things.  I took on so many tasks.  I have a trip to plan.  Writing and reading just piles up around me.  I’m not sure in which direction I should concentrate my efforts.  My efforts to catch up look comical at times.  And my only wish is that I too like those Hindu gods, could possess extra sets of arms and infinitely divideable attention, so I could actually finish everything.  Yet, with all the additional emotional chaos in my life, I still manage to move forward.  In the past, I would of just curled up and moaned myself to sleep.  Today I no longer have that luxury, I need to execute my plans and execute them well.

So a quick update is in order.

Writing

I’m still maintaining my daily blog entries.  Not a simple task at times, I keep on scrunging around for topics to write about.  I’m not sure how my PWC friend, Marika manages to update her blog twice a day and still find time to write books.  I’m marking her as yet another example of the craziness, creativity and sheer amazing output that Finns are capable of.  My own novel writing ground to a halt.  Too many distractions and too many random tasks are to blame here.  However, the novel is moving towards an iteration of an earlier novel idea and elements from other ideas.  I plan on dredging up those previous stories, modifying them to fit the theme and context of this novel.  It’ll probably end up looking like a post-apoc scifi “Jungle Book” of sorts.  If you can get that around your head, great, now help me understand it! 😀

Coding

I’m changing gears at work, so hobby programming is not on my list of high priorities at the moment.  I plan on getting back to Qt as soon as the rest of my life falls into place.  Also I’m holding back from contributing to the KDE and maemo projects for a bit.  I do need a bit more motivation to get involved.  Many using the platforms more often will make that happen.  But still need a working IT before I can even think about developing for maemo.

Life

Learning to feel at home driving.  Cellphone enroute.  Things starting to fall into place.  I just need more time, to get everything done.  Working on bring some sanity and regularity into my life.  This should help on the health side, cut down on giddiness, increase productivity and increase self-satisifaction.  With the warmer weather coming, I plan on getting out there more often.  So projects might need tabling until I have more time.  And a big thing is a planned trip, which will resolve certain important and nagging questions in my mind.

Sleepless in Toronto

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It is  too early to blog this morning.  I’m sitting in at work in an empty office space.  Alone, just a few lights and mostly in the dark.  Still dark outside with some street lights, the slow moving lights of communter’s car and random distant lights of various colours.  The sun still has an hour or so to make an appearance.  The ever present hum of the server room, and my own typing on my laptop’s keyboard fill the silence.  A quiet time.  A time for reflection.

I spent the last few days in reflection, wondering about the future.  Many things have happened to me in the past while.  Good things mostly this year.  Not always things that I recognized or expected, at least not in their current shape and form.  But that is life: organic, uncertain, growing and unpredictable.  In mechanistic mind, the complexity of interactions and the nature of things make life appear chaotic.  Cause and effect and free will and randomness appear.  Surprise should not arise in my mind.  The universe, built upon the chaotic foundations of the quantum world attains regularity from its design and the laws that govern it.  Chaos only appears, because God built a universe where free will can and truly exists.  Causality only paints part of the picture.  This should make me happy, but it also brings indecision.  Causality enforces the consequences of my actions.  But the underlying chaos gives me the freedom to decide and choose my own actions at any given moment.

I realize that today, I stand in a bright and hopeful future.  A future I could not predict or imagine.  No one expected that I should live on the other side of the ocean, far from my family and far my ancestor’s homeland.  Or maybe homelands, since the fate of many nations and peoples form the history of humanity.  No one expected me meeting the friends that I have.  Not ideal people, but good people who help and guide me on my journey through life.  No one expected my working where I do.  I neither planned nor expected such a company existed.  Nor did I plan on working with such a group of friendly, ambitious and professional coworkers.  I definitely never planned nor wanted to work with people so closely, as I do as a consultant.  But over the course of my life, I grew into these situations and all these things shaped me as I do.

So why should the future to look different in nature?  How large of leap it should be not to expect love from an unexpected person from an unexpected land?  Will it be truly so?  Who knows, but God.  And even He lets us play with this toy, the universe  He fashioned  exclusively for us.  His judgement may be swift and fierce.  But His kindness toward such a clumbsy, silly and pathetic race of beings as humans are, is infinite.  And He comes to our aid when we need it.  But I am going on an aside.  I say this publicly, cause I intend not to offer up excuses or lay obstacles to this person.  And I’ll let fate, circumstances and nature run its course, whatever that course may be.  And whatever those effects may be.  I trust God will deliver the right person to me.

It is too early to write this morning.  I have spoken my mind, which my experience tells me most people don’t want to know or hear.  And I may not enjoy their critism or them turning from me.  But I’m not writing for them.  They do not care about me, and I’m less than enthaustic about them.  I write for the person who said yes, when so many others said no.  Even very interesting others, but as sad, as arbitray this decision may seem, they had their chance but chose not to act upon it.  Their loss.  And I turn my attention to this person, and say let us see what comes of this.

It is too early to write this morning.