Sleepless in Toronto

It is  too early to blog this morning.  I’m sitting in at work in an empty office space.  Alone, just a few lights and mostly in the dark.  Still dark outside with some street lights, the slow moving lights of communter’s car and random distant lights of various colours.  The sun still has an hour or so to make an appearance.  The ever present hum of the server room, and my own typing on my laptop’s keyboard fill the silence.  A quiet time.  A time for reflection.

I spent the last few days in reflection, wondering about the future.  Many things have happened to me in the past while.  Good things mostly this year.  Not always things that I recognized or expected, at least not in their current shape and form.  But that is life: organic, uncertain, growing and unpredictable.  In mechanistic mind, the complexity of interactions and the nature of things make life appear chaotic.  Cause and effect and free will and randomness appear.  Surprise should not arise in my mind.  The universe, built upon the chaotic foundations of the quantum world attains regularity from its design and the laws that govern it.  Chaos only appears, because God built a universe where free will can and truly exists.  Causality only paints part of the picture.  This should make me happy, but it also brings indecision.  Causality enforces the consequences of my actions.  But the underlying chaos gives me the freedom to decide and choose my own actions at any given moment.

I realize that today, I stand in a bright and hopeful future.  A future I could not predict or imagine.  No one expected that I should live on the other side of the ocean, far from my family and far my ancestor’s homeland.  Or maybe homelands, since the fate of many nations and peoples form the history of humanity.  No one expected me meeting the friends that I have.  Not ideal people, but good people who help and guide me on my journey through life.  No one expected my working where I do.  I neither planned nor expected such a company existed.  Nor did I plan on working with such a group of friendly, ambitious and professional coworkers.  I definitely never planned nor wanted to work with people so closely, as I do as a consultant.  But over the course of my life, I grew into these situations and all these things shaped me as I do.

So why should the future to look different in nature?  How large of leap it should be not to expect love from an unexpected person from an unexpected land?  Will it be truly so?  Who knows, but God.  And even He lets us play with this toy, the universe  He fashioned  exclusively for us.  His judgement may be swift and fierce.  But His kindness toward such a clumbsy, silly and pathetic race of beings as humans are, is infinite.  And He comes to our aid when we need it.  But I am going on an aside.  I say this publicly, cause I intend not to offer up excuses or lay obstacles to this person.  And I’ll let fate, circumstances and nature run its course, whatever that course may be.  And whatever those effects may be.  I trust God will deliver the right person to me.

It is too early to write this morning.  I have spoken my mind, which my experience tells me most people don’t want to know or hear.  And I may not enjoy their critism or them turning from me.  But I’m not writing for them.  They do not care about me, and I’m less than enthaustic about them.  I write for the person who said yes, when so many others said no.  Even very interesting others, but as sad, as arbitray this decision may seem, they had their chance but chose not to act upon it.  Their loss.  And I turn my attention to this person, and say let us see what comes of this.

It is too early to write this morning.