Category Archives: Life

Reflections and glimpses into bits of my life.

The Challenging Trek Ahead

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For lack of a better use of time before work starts, I am blogging.  Or rather I am trying to wake up and be alert for the day ahead.  Coffee helped revive some of dead nerves.  Writing hopefully will get me thinking in a coherent fashion.  I have to do this because I have a full day ahead of me.

I’ve reading a lot lately.  A good amount of my reading now comes from self-help books.  I’ve done a lot of digging into my own life and character.  Trying to enhance the parts I and others like.  Also trying to change the parts cause discord, trouble and pain.  Now that I know that S. will most likely move on, I have to work on myself.  So that the next time I meet someone special like S., I’ll be ready for them.  This not to say that I can get just move on and feel nothing.  Rather I’m getting the impression that I’m being gently nudged in that direction.  Reading said books and applying them to my life is not quite all that fun.  While I don’t mind challenging myself, I do mind digging around for problems, prancing them out into the light and slaying them.  It feels a lot like setting your own bones without anaesthetic.  But has to be done.  I have a long way to go before I can be truly satisfied with myself.

Looking forward at today, I feel like I’m starting up on a long climb.  Today I feel like I will climb a Mount Kilimanjaro of tasks.  I feel tired already, but I feel ready to make the long trek.  I could iterate my work today to you.  In the end I will just be pushing forward on all fronts.

Hitting the Ground Running

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Before I left for my leave, I left a bunch of thing half-done.  I also had planned tasks too.  But I never got around to doing them earlier.  Life’s twists and turns surprise you and throw all your carefully laid plans to the wayside. Now I’m back, I can get back to them.  Time to get back into the game of life so to say.

One of things I managed to get done while on leave, was writing.  Right now I have two-thirds of chapter two written by hand.  In the next couple of days I plan on typing up my notes.  Then I’ll continue the push to get most of the novel written by the end of this month.  Also I plan on rewriting my notes on another project (which I hope I can show off something tangeable in the near future).  Wish me luck.

Back in Toronto, Back to Blogging

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Yesterday I landed in Toronto.  I’m home again.  Back to the normal and ordinary.  But even as the airplane hit the tarmack, I knew things will never be quite the same.  The things I experienced, saw, heard and understood during my short stay in Europe, has changed my perspective, attitude and expectations.   I won’t go into the details, because there are far too many.  And far too many of them are deeply personal.  But I’m glad that I went there, and I gained a lot.  I’m still processing and digesting everything still.

With that said, I will return to my daily blogging schedule.  I hope that no new tragedy, will force me to change my daily routine.  Because there is comfort in a routine, no matter how mundane and un-extraordinary it may be.  However I realize now more than ever, I have to move forward on my personal goals.  I feel a bit behind in some areas of my life.  I have a huge amount of work to do.  And at the moment, there is a lot of catching up I need to do.  Life will continue its intense pace for next little while.  This year shows no signs of slowing down, but rather accelerating.  It feels exhilarating and downright frightening.

I’m still mentally organizing my thoughts and goals.  However a few things have come to the forefront.  I need to learn some more French, German, Italian and Polish.  I need to brush up and learn those languages, since they will come in very handy when I try to stay in touch with my friends and family in Europe.  Also I need to learn to drive.  I must follow through on my professional and artistic goals.  A number of my friends are expecting and excited to see the results of my efforts.  I also need to learn to deal with difficult and tricky situations in a more professional, efficient, pragmatic, diplomatic and proper manner.  And then there are all things, minutae and nice-to-haves…  Thinking about all of this is tiring me out.  So I’ll stop with it here.

I’m also planning to return to Europe, most likely sometime this year.  And this may be sooner than later.  So more planning, thinking, et cetera.

Anyways, I’m back!  Did you miss me?

Parting with the Somber

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I changed the theme for the blog again.  Back to the nice calm, natural feel that I so very much enjoy.  Also I am parting from the somber mood.  Maybe this is a bit premature.  Maybe not.  But I can’t help it… I want to bounce back to my cheery, crazy self again.  Maybe I should be less moody.  Or maybe I should just accept my nature for what it is.

Anyways, just a few more days before I go back to my normal routines.  Back to my life in Toronto, my friends there, and the monotony.  Boring can be fun too… so long as it is not overdone.  I’ll miss my friends and family here too.  But I’ll be back sometime in the future.  For some reason I always gravitate back here again.  This trip taught me a lot about myself, my place and everything in general.  As with any search for knowledge, it creates more questions and concerns than before.  But knowledge gives serenity, as it explains the uncertain and pushes back the unknowable a bit more.

I’ve done some writing.  I hope to have more to share in the future.  But if I want to keep this post short and not rambling.  Then I really, really should, just stop right here.

Port City Update

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Hmm… I debated about writing while on “vacation”.  But since I’ve done so much writing today, I felt it might be appropriate to update my blog.

I’m staying with family, in my city of birth.  I’m here on brieviment, so not exactly a fun time.  After the funeral, I might see some friends of the family.  Nothing very exciting, but a rather busy time.  Today is essentially the calm before the storm.  No plans for visiting or sightseeing, as much as I would love to see people outside of my immediate family and friends of immediate family.  Most young people are busy at work or finishing their studies for the year.

Today however, I have some time for writing.  Or rather in any spare moment I find I’m either writing or reading about writing.  I can’t stand idle time and it seems so appropriate to bury myself in work.

Still I love being here, unfortunate as the circumstances are.  The city is dirty, grimmy and full of hazards that one doesn’t meet in a safe city like Toronto.  But there is also energy and enthausism in strange places.  Expectations of what is normal are radically different.  And for some reason, for all the negativity and defeatism that I can feel, there is a vibrance, a feeling of confined growth.
Or maybe it is just me.  Maybe it is just my romantic attachment to my place of birth.  Maybe I’m just a port town boy, in love with a port city.  Even if the port is no longer close to its former glory.

Going on Hiatus

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Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have to hang up my blogging hat for a bit.  I have to do some travelling and handle the fallout from a tragic event.  So for the time being, until things settle down I’ll not be updating this blog on a regular basis.

Thanks for your patience and understanding.

Forced March

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Another quick update on the writing.  I managed to write up the second thread/part of chapter one.  I am not in the mood for writing today actually.  But I’m going to force myself to keep writing.  Once I have the entire book on paper I can agonize over it later.  Content first, editing later.  Anyways I must continue.

In other news, I’m a bit tired, worn down and honestly don’t give a damn about many things.  Too much crap happening in my life.  Eveything feels like I am in a vicious cycle.  And all my “solutions” aren’t helping more than just coping.  Life goes on, progress does happen but I’m bitter.  Please excuse the fatalistic drama.  Life is becoming a bit of a forced march.

Things I’d Like to If I Had More Time

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Clearly, this blog left the orbit of sane, professional discussions concerning software development, project management, time management and gaming analysis a long time ago.  Now it clear has become my personal blog.  Whether this is a good thing or not, I leave as an exercise to the reader.  So without further ado…

If I only had more time (more hours in a day or less work or a more aligned schedule or less need of sleep), I’d:

  • Play through Mirror’s Edge.
  • Update this blog during the weekends too.
  • I’d write exciting articles for this blog and the Full Circle magazine.
  • Play through Zelda Mask of Majora and Ocarina of Time.
  • Beat Warzone 2100.
  • Contribute to the Warzone 2100 project by getting videos and cinematics working correctly.
  • Do a PhD in Computer Science on Human-Computer Interaction.
  • Learn French, Spanish, German, Russian and Japanese.
  • Work out and get into parkour or freerunning.
  • Write two novels at the same time.
  • Create my own themes for my websites.
  • Draw and sketch.
  • Learn to play the piano and the guitar.
  • Re-Learn 3D animation using Blender.
  • Create a short film using CG and camera.
  • Create a demoscene program.
  •  Get WebKit working perfectly under Konqueror.
  • Create a nicer theme for my cellphone.
  • Create a nicer theme for my KDE4 desktop.  Think the HUD design from Colony.
  • Code all my old game ideas from highschool.
  • Pick up sailing/yachting, again.
  • Fix up my blog.
  • Edit and put up my articles on quantum computing on this blog.
  • Create a full-blown artistic and developer portfolio.
  • Learn to drive a motorcycle (and a car).
  • Get into stunt inline skating.
  • Learn to snowboard and do tricks.
  • Visit all of Europe, Japan and parts of Africa.
  • Take a survival course.
  • Create and lead an anti-politics political party (read as anarchist).
  • Build a whole slew of military dioramas.
  • Walk the entire Bruce Trail.
  • Paragliding.
  • Learn how to dance swing, jazz, salsa, waltz, etc.

Ok… and now I’m out of ideas at the moment.  I listed everything that I could do realistically.  I mean I would love to build a multinational company, lead an army, fly in space, walk across the surface of Mars and a bunch of other unrealistic goals… but lets try to maintain some semblence of reality. 🙂

Just Another Sunny Day

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I look outside from my 6th floor office window.  Out there I can see a sunny blue sky, blocky office buildings and grey-white jetliners landing at the nearby airport.  I can almost feel the warmth outside.  I remember the warmth, that I felt while sitting with coworkers outside all of us enjoying a delicious, spicy Arabic lunch.  Delicious.  And totally inappropriate for me, since I try to avoid eating meat on Fridays.  I know that this usually applies to Lent only.  But I’m a traditionalist, and I do these odd little things to remember.  In the case of Fridays I try to remember the sacrifices of God undertook one Good Friday for humanity.

I also like to not eat too much.  The feeling of hunger makes eating so much more pleasurable.  But it also reminds to think about those less fortunate.  Not everyone can go and buy food when they feel hungry.  Not everyone has the option of not going through the day on an empty belly.  There is much to be thankful for.  I wish I could remember all the other things I could be thankful for.

At work I have gained an unfortunate reputation of being contrairian.  I mean yes, there are ways I would do things that would make my life easier, simpler and more productive.  But I guess I complained once too often.  I should of been more thankful that I work where I work.  I work with wonderful people.  I work in the profession I want to work in.  Fear of losing my job tomorrow is less likely than in other companies.  I am grateful.  I just complain of the things that cause stress for me.  I try not to point out all the things that are wrong.  But I must start sounding more positive.  I really should.  I just hate it when I feel stressed.  Stress does not bring out the best in me unlike with some people.  And I absolutely hate it when stress comes in from up and above my control.

I am happy that my friend Marika hopefully will start upon her dream job of working as a freelancer.  She works hard, and does a great job as both a writer and an editor.  I know, I went to class with her.  I read her articles, she read mine.  I learned from her, and her work inspired me to push myself.  I feel a tinge of jealousy though.  Freelancing sounds like a great gig.  A lot of freedom comes with the territory.  I sometimes wish I could go upon such a path.  Maybe one day I will.

A little while later…

It is becoming a rainy day.  Oh well…  Fun going back home.  Interesting little thought, everyday I try working on my wish list.   Sometimes I feel like I managed to go work toward obtaining my wishes.  Sometimes I can’t be too sure.  This back and forth nature is something I have yet to come in terms with.  Still I want to write.  Still I want to learn to code Qt apps.  Still I want to live like an ordinary Canadian adult (I’m not sure what ordinary means… I guess that is a debateable definition).  Still I want my projects to succeed.  I wonder if I’ll be able to achieve all this stuff.  Or is this even up to me?

Bruised and Sore

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Uff! I’m bruised and tired from yesterday’s taekwondo session. The warmup consisted of a lot of running, jumping jacks, pushups, sit ups, and leg raisers. At the end I wanted to pass out from panting exhaustion on the floor. A great workout, followed by practice on kicking and hand motions. There is so much for me to perfect, but I think I’m making good progress. Still I’m months away from a black belt. Give a year or so. 🙂

This morning however I could not be bothered to get up. Or rather got up stiffer than a stiff. And sore, and parts of my anatomy (limbs I mean, I don’t know what you are thinking about) aren’t fully cooperative.  Movement in general today feels constrained and straining. I’m sure it will wear off by the time I go for the next session.

Fortunately, muscular bruising hasn’t adversly affected my thinking. The story and ideas for the novel are rapidly taking shape. And I’m enjoying writing it, since I have not thought out the entire story in such detail that it bores me. Instead every paragraph explorers a new thought and dream. I’m not sure how it will turn out and that is what makes it exciting. Also I started reading up on Qt development. I must say that the more I read about Qt and C++, the more I like those two technologies. I’m already looking forward to coding up my first C++ applications in the near future. Should be quite exciting. And finally a word about my secret project… I’ve done a fair bit of work on it, and I’m just dying to write about it. This project challenges me in everyway that I want to grow professionally and artistically. However I can’t openly talk about it… or maybe I could. We’ll see I guess once I have something concrete to show for my pains.

All in all I am bruised and sore.  But I’m excited with the prospects that appear before me. Little bits of sustained effort are paying off.