Things are going fairly smoothly for the trip. Not yet at the point at where I can say I’m packed and ready. And there remains a good chunk of work to do. However plans are proceeding forward.
While I look forward to my trip, lately I’ve felt like my self-esteem has taken quite a beating. I don’t know if this signals a slow but steady burnout. Or rather realization and acceptance of my current position and circumstances in life. I’m a bit disappointed. I still feel I’m far from where I want to be in the near future. And reality seems to close more doors than open them. If some potential opportunity opens, it feels more like a tease than an opportunity. Realistically, I feel I’ve exhausted all the straightforward options without compromising or risking my future on some future high-risk scheme. This realization is quite unnerving. I’m not sure what else I can do, aside from doing what I already am. I’ve never enjoyed the prospect of casting the dice and hoping for the best. This is fine in a game. In life not so much, since for action there are far reaching consequences. In life, a sane logical strategy needs to be in place. Still I can’t see how I can achieve my end-goals, circumstances being as they are. I find solace in my writing, and little else.
I’m still going to blog on highly irregular basis, definitely until after my trip. Or most likely after I finish writing the rough draft of the novel. My novel feels like the only meaningful contribution I can make at the moment. Everything else depends on external factors, beyond my control.
Hope. Despair. Anticipation. Joy. Fear. Life. Love. Sadness. Regret. Serenity. Peace. War. Silence. Solitude. Fulfillment.
What happens next? It depends on you.
Huh. Had to fix the formatting on this post.