Before I Lay Down My Pen and My Head

Things are going fairly smoothly for the trip.  Not yet at the point at where I can say I’m packed and ready.  And there remains a good chunk of work to do.  However plans are proceeding forward.

While I look forward to my trip, lately I’ve felt like my self-esteem has taken quite a beating.  I don’t know if this signals a slow but steady burnout.  Or rather realization and acceptance of my current position and circumstances in life.  I’m a bit disappointed.  I still feel I’m far from where I want to be in the near future.  And reality seems to close more doors than open them.  If some potential opportunity opens, it feels more like a tease than an opportunity.  Realistically, I feel I’ve exhausted all the straightforward options without compromising or risking my future on some future high-risk scheme.  This realization is quite unnerving.  I’m not sure what else I can do, aside from doing what I already am.  I’ve never enjoyed the prospect of casting the dice and hoping for the best.  This is fine in a game.  In life not so much, since for action there are far reaching consequences.  In life, a sane logical strategy needs to be in place.  Still I can’t see how I can achieve my end-goals, circumstances being as they are.  I find solace in my writing, and little else.

I’m still going to blog on highly irregular basis, definitely until after my trip.  Or most likely after I finish writing the rough draft of the novel.  My novel feels like the only meaningful contribution I can make at the moment.  Everything else depends on external factors, beyond my control.