Things are going fairly smoothly for the trip. Not yet at the point at where I can say I’m packed and ready. And there remains a good chunk of work to do. However plans are proceeding forward.
While I look forward to my trip, lately I’ve felt like my self-esteem has taken quite a beating. I don’t know if this signals a slow but steady burnout. Or rather realization and acceptance of my current position and circumstances in life. I’m a bit disappointed. I still feel I’m far from where I want to be in the near future. And reality seems to close more doors than open them. If some potential opportunity opens, it feels more like a tease than an opportunity. Realistically, I feel I’ve exhausted all the straightforward options without compromising or risking my future on some future high-risk scheme. This realization is quite unnerving. I’m not sure what else I can do, aside from doing what I already am. I’ve never enjoyed the prospect of casting the dice and hoping for the best. This is fine in a game. In life not so much, since for action there are far reaching consequences. In life, a sane logical strategy needs to be in place. Still I can’t see how I can achieve my end-goals, circumstances being as they are. I find solace in my writing, and little else.
I’m still going to blog on highly irregular basis, definitely until after my trip. Or most likely after I finish writing the rough draft of the novel. My novel feels like the only meaningful contribution I can make at the moment. Everything else depends on external factors, beyond my control.