I just read Marika’s blog on hunger. And I felt compelled to blog something in return. But today I draw a blank. Yesterday drained the life and will out of me. Not complaining, since it was all my invention and doing. Still the fact remains, I feel drained and without will. And life feels greyer than it did before.
Today will be another cold snowy day. Spring came by smiled and then winter came back with a vengence. My limbs are still cold from standing outside for the bus. I can now appreciate those early morning commutes, in a warm car. Yes I got into the office really early. But I miss the car now, and I didn’t appreciate it when it is no longer there.
Funny how people (at least I think) don’t notice those good things and good people, until you sense their absence. We miss the light when it is dark. The warm when it is cold. Food when hunger strikes. A comforting voice when there is none. Yet when all is well, one can take things for granted. Obviously not all people think like that, some are enlightened enough to know and not have to experience.
I should get back to bed and pretend to sleep. After my pretend sleep, I will pretend to get up and live as a normal person. You know the routine, get up, eat breakfast, wash up, dress, commute to work, work, return home, rest or work at home, sleep. I’ll pretend to smile and be happy. For the sake of the illusion of normality. No one really like things out of the ordinary. No wants to deal with the uncomfortable and inconvenient. So one pretends it is not there. If you are talented, you can pretend that you are alive and awake. But you are just sleepwalking.
Today is an exercise in futility. Just another sleepwalking existence, followed by bouts of regret and insomnia.
[This post is modern art in writing form. It was not supposed to make sense.]
I can’t sleep. After some initial attempts to fall back asleep, including pushups… I just gave up and started surfing the web. Updated my Facebook account and read all of my RSS feeds. Still can not sleep, too much on my mind. Why is trying to do the right thing so difficult? Why is trying to live a full, happy and prosperous life so tiring and trying? I don’t know. If life is a garden, why are there days I feel more like a man with firebrand and a machete than a gardener? Again, I don’t know.
I just can’t sleep. So I am updating my blog. Then a bit more passive surfing, and maybe some novel writing. Once 6:25 comes around, I’ll stop pretending to sleep and I’ll get ready for work. I should have enough time to change my look from Ugh the caveman to Dorian the professional software consultant. Still not sure what novel I want to actually write. But I think that instead of brooding over it, I’ll just write it and deal with this child of my mind somehow. Or rather I know what to write, I just lost a character and the book is not perfect in my mind. I plan to slay this worm called Perfection and just get on with the job of writing.
I finished reading Mary Beth Bonacci’s Real Love. A fantastic read and quite an eyeopener at least for myself. I finally know what my issues are, and what I really need. One thing is for sure, all those other dating books (a.k.a. seduction manuals) are useless. Attraction is subjective, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and true love comes from God. Real love comes from respecting others and living God’s teachings in relationships. It will be a hard and long road ahead. But at least I have no more doubts about is the right thing to do. I know what to do, now I just have to do it. Self-improvement is a lifestyle, just not an easy one at that.
I’m off now to deal with a few online issues. Then a bit of furious writing shall follow. After that I’ll get up and pretend to live a normal life. As I look around me, I think that everyone else seems to do.