For lack of a better use of time before work starts, I am blogging. Or rather I am trying to wake up and be alert for the day ahead. Coffee helped revive some of dead nerves. Writing hopefully will get me thinking in a coherent fashion. I have to do this because I have a full day ahead of me.
I’ve reading a lot lately. A good amount of my reading now comes from self-help books. I’ve done a lot of digging into my own life and character. Trying to enhance the parts I and others like. Also trying to change the parts cause discord, trouble and pain. Now that I know that S. will most likely move on, I have to work on myself. So that the next time I meet someone special like S., I’ll be ready for them. This not to say that I can get just move on and feel nothing. Rather I’m getting the impression that I’m being gently nudged in that direction. Reading said books and applying them to my life is not quite all that fun. While I don’t mind challenging myself, I do mind digging around for problems, prancing them out into the light and slaying them. It feels a lot like setting your own bones without anaesthetic. But has to be done. I have a long way to go before I can be truly satisfied with myself.
Looking forward at today, I feel like I’m starting up on a long climb. Today I feel like I will climb a Mount Kilimanjaro of tasks. I feel tired already, but I feel ready to make the long trek. I could iterate my work today to you. In the end I will just be pushing forward on all fronts.
Disappointments turn up everyday. Sometimes it can be personal like a lost love, a deathly sick relative, a bad business decision or any kind of personal loss. If you run out personal worries, the newspaper will happily provide more: war, crime, job losses, a bad economy, overzealous governments, et cetera ad nauseum. At times it can seem overwhelming.
Disappointments and worries form a good chunk of our days. And yet life goes on. We can not just give up, curl up in a ball and beg for sweet, sweet death. How else could improve our lot in life, ourselves and care for our loved ones? We simply must cope.
I do not claim to be any kind of expert in dealing with these issues. I recommend reading Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, as a good starting point. I can just say what works for me.
Writing works wonders in terms of self-therapy and self-discovery. Guy Allen, my writing professor recommended writing 20 minutes of just sheer writing about everything and nothing. It gets things off your chest. Dale Carnegie also recommends prayer or meditation. This lets you reflect and in the case of prayer ask for help in coping. Finally work and exercise. Work to keep your mind off things, and to help to see yourself as a productive person. Ever wonder why I talk about work and hobbies so often? And exercise keeps you fit, healthy and again lets you live in the moment. Embracing the moment and savouring it, helps one lead a full, happy and prosperous life.
I can’t sleep. After some initial attempts to fall back asleep, including pushups… I just gave up and started surfing the web. Updated my Facebook account and read all of my RSS feeds. Still can not sleep, too much on my mind. Why is trying to do the right thing so difficult? Why is trying to live a full, happy and prosperous life so tiring and trying? I don’t know. If life is a garden, why are there days I feel more like a man with firebrand and a machete than a gardener? Again, I don’t know.
I just can’t sleep. So I am updating my blog. Then a bit more passive surfing, and maybe some novel writing. Once 6:25 comes around, I’ll stop pretending to sleep and I’ll get ready for work. I should have enough time to change my look from Ugh the caveman to Dorian the professional software consultant. Still not sure what novel I want to actually write. But I think that instead of brooding over it, I’ll just write it and deal with this child of my mind somehow. Or rather I know what to write, I just lost a character and the book is not perfect in my mind. I plan to slay this worm called Perfection and just get on with the job of writing.
I finished reading Mary Beth Bonacci’s Real Love. A fantastic read and quite an eyeopener at least for myself. I finally know what my issues are, and what I really need. One thing is for sure, all those other dating books (a.k.a. seduction manuals) are useless. Attraction is subjective, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and true love comes from God. Real love comes from respecting others and living God’s teachings in relationships. It will be a hard and long road ahead. But at least I have no more doubts about is the right thing to do. I know what to do, now I just have to do it. Self-improvement is a lifestyle, just not an easy one at that.
I’m off now to deal with a few online issues. Then a bit of furious writing shall follow. After that I’ll get up and pretend to live a normal life. As I look around me, I think that everyone else seems to do.